Genesis

A long time ago, God realized all this empty space was making his dinner guests uncomfortable. So he said some magic words and made the universe. But everything was too plain for God, who likes a little bit of flair, so he popped some bones under the ground and made ‘em look real old by soaking ‘em in tea for a couple hours.

Everything was truckin’ along pretty well, but then God ran out of DVD’s to watch and he realized the elephants and the spiders weren’t gonna get on the ball and make any movies, so he decided to whip up some humans. He made them naked at first -- which got a big laugh from the boys up in heaven -- and they trucked around farming dirt and which things were food and which things were rocks for like a thousand years. Then one of the bastards figured out what boats were.


The humans spread everywhere, going all over the place, because God had forgotten to put the sea monsters in to keep ‘em in place. God also realized that he’d forgotten to take out Australia, which is what he’d used to test all the animals, and that is where we get the kangaroo.
Everything went okay for a while, until it turned out that humans were basically melting the planet like it was a five year old’s dropped ice cream cone, but not too many of them cared, and God realized probably he shouldn’t have made the top and the bottom of the planet out of ice, and he probably shouldn’t have flooded the world way back when because he got sick of the scenery and wanted to see what happened, because that kind of shit only works once.